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Porn Parodies: Old-School vs. New-School

Yes, you are about to read a serious, in-depth discussion of porn parodies.  I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes, but pornography is a film genre, it has its own conventions and cliches and, dare I say it, some artistic merit. Porn parodies are probably the most fascinating porn to study because they are judged not solely on the sex, but also other aspects that more traditional porn movies aren’t judged on, like their plot. This is because porn parodies live or die based on how well they handle the source material.

If somebody just wants to see two people fucking, they can just pick up any old porn and get that. But if somebody watches a porn parody, it’s because they want to see two specific characters fucking. But there’s a problem. It’s called copyright law. One can’t just use somebody else’s characters without permission for profit. However, there’s a loophole in copyright law where parodies are considered fair use. This gives porn producers the green light to use other people’s characters as long as they’re using them in parodies.

Dick Smothers played Maxwell Smart better than Steve Carell!

For the longest time, porn parodies were actual parodies. In other words, these were porn movies where they attempted to send up the source material on some level.  I call these “old-school” porn parodies. These parodies can be distinguished by their funny titles: Edward Penishands, Rear and Pleasant Danger, Missionary Position Impossible and so on. They generally were low-budget and filled to the brim with bad acting and innuendo.

Fun for the whole family… minus the ass to mouth during the four way at the end.

Then around 2008 to 2009,  porn companies got wind that porn parodies were a licence to print money. These companies then started pumping out parodies and a paradigm shift occurred. Instead of trying to poke fun at the material, these “new-school” porn parodies became big-budget pornographic mockbusters. When a movie is being “parodied,” the movie is actually just copied scene for scene with sex scenes inserted here and there, while if a TV show is being “parodied,” the result is an episode of the show with sex scenes inserted.  In the worst cases these parodies are just extended sex scenes based on other people’s characters that are strung together with no real plot. Worst of all, the funny titles disappeared, being replaced by names like ___ XXX : A Porn Parody or This Ain’t ____: A XXX Parody.

To illustrate the difference between old-school and new-school, I’ll post two clips for two different Star Trek porn parodies, Sex Trek: Where No Man has Come B4 and This Ain’t Star Trek XXX.

First up is the old-school Sex Trek:

This installment of the long-running Sex Trek series (incidentally, there are at least 8 of these) is directed by one of  masters of the old school porn parody, Cash Marksman, who also directed Get Lucky. As a master of the art, Marksman understands that people watch porn for the sex and generally just want to get the story over with as quickly as possible. But if you’re going to sit through the story parts, you might as well laugh a little in the process. The production is second rate but it really doesn’t matter because the film doesn’t take itself seriously and lampoons Star Trek quite nicely.

Now here’s This Ain’t Star Trek:

Instead of trying to lampoon Star Trek this movie tries to be Star Trek just with hardcore sex.  While the production is first class, instead of being interesting the clip comes across as just boring. The actors just don’t have the charisma of the original cast. I haven’t watched the entire movie, nor do I want to. This film was directed by Axel Braun, and having seen several other Axel Braun parodies, I know what to expect with this one: an emphasis on style over substance with terrible writing all around. Here’s the Porn Critic reviewing Dark Knight XXX where he effectively states Braun’s issues.

But even the soullessness extends to the better porn parodies. Watch the trailer for Star Trek Next Generation: An XXX Parody:

This parody is notable for two reasons. First, they brought in a Patrick Stewart impersonator to play Captain Picard.  Therefore, Picard just gets a blowjob at the end from Crusher. This way they could use a stunt cock and never have to show Picard’s head. Second, the script is fanfiction written by the director, who’s a confessed Trek fan. While this is a very good porn parody, there’s just something missing. The cast tries hard, the sex is hot and the production values are top notch. Go ahead, watch some of sex-free story parts to see just how good it is. But in the end, it’s just a copy. A Stewart impersonator is just that: an impersonator.

People still watch this movie 20 years later.

Porn, by nature, isn’t meant to entertain but rather to arouse. Once its function has been fulfilled, it’s thrown away. But by embracing their transient nature, old-school porn parodies collectively enshrined themselves as part of popular culture even if many of the films themselves have been lost to time. When asked to come up with a porn movie idea, most people will invariably think of low budget porn parodies with funny titles that are packed with sex-puns; movies where the cast, who weren’t selected for their acting talent, deliver their innuendo-filled dialogue barely able to contain their laughter. Even if they are no longer being made except in a few cases, like the excellent BATFXXX (short for BatFucker XXX), the idea of old school parodies will live on.

This isn’t parody, this is plagiarism! Now if Elaine was naked…..

New-school parodies will never achieve immortality beyond how similar the people on the box covers look to the original characters. First, they aren’t parodies, they are only called parodies in the titles so the producers aren’t (justifiably) sued for copyright infringement. The Next Generation doesn’t parody the show but instead celebrates it. Second, new-school parodies forget the very reason people watch porn. Nobody really cares what happens between the sex scenes; the story only exists to put those scenes in context. With some non-porn scenes in a few “new-school” parodies I’ve seen stretching over ten minutes, I know people will just hit the fast forward button to get to the fucking.

Still, new-school parodies pretend they are in the beloved old-school tradition by releasing multiple disc collector’s editions and allowing behind the scenes press access. The truth is, most of these parodies pale before their lower-budget predecessors. They actually possess no more longevity than run-of-the-mill porn movies with titles such as Blow Me 7 and I Got Banged 3…meaning none at all.

K23 Side Story

K23 Side Story: Being Mudrax the Hung

“So Mudrax, why are you so excited for Big Trolls Small Elves 32?” Rai Cutter, a young reporter, asked as his camera pod rolled.

Mudrax the Hung was a male troll, seven feet tall and pushing three hundred pounds.  He was green and boxy yet muscular. His shaved and rippling chest was on display as he was shirtless and oiled up. The tight leather pants he did wear didn’t leave much to the imagination, but neither did the huge cardboard cutout of him flexing nude, with the troll blocking out the genitals.

“We’re going back to a story based series,” he said. “It’s a touching love story between a lovesick troll played by me and a Teolian elf played by Alexia Buxon.”

“I’m assuming there will be lots of sex in it.” Rai loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top button on his white shirt due to the heat from the bright studio lights.

Mudrax smiled and laughed. “On there’ll be sex all right, fucking from start to finish. It’s got blow jobs, hand jobs, three-ways, gangbangs, reverse gangbangs…“ Mudrax proceeded to list every standard heterosexual porn convention short of BSDM.

Nevermind – it was in there too. Rai felt like he was going to vomit.

There were two types of reporters in New Delta. There were the big reporters like Leyla Linour, the Terrall News Network star reporter. She had access to all the big stories, thanks in part to her husband. She didn’t have to go far looking for scoops. They generally came to her. She made seven figures at least a year and had an office full of awards.

Then there were reporters like Rai, who reported on fluff pieces about celebrities, produced inside stories that didn’t expose anything new, or simply became a cog in the corporate PR machine. He worked for Adult Media News, which reported the latest goings on in the adult entertainment business: strip clubs, brothels and pornography.

So instead of doing meaningful work, the dream of every journalist, he sat in an Intimate Productions PR studio interviewing a porn star about a meaningless porn movie.

Mudrax finished his list of fetishes and waited for Rai to ask the next question.

He shut off the pod via the remote control he had in his hand. Rai uncrossed his legs and sat forward. “Let’s not waste time with this fluff bullshit. Nobody’s going to watch it anyway. I want to know the real you.”

“You know I’m not gay, right?” Mudrax asked calmly, not a stranger to being propositioned by men as well as women. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against homosexuals, In fact I’m friends with a few gay porn stars. I just don’t swing that way.”

Rai tossed the remote to the ground. “I want to know the everyday Mudrax. What are you like off the set? Why do you do this? Who do you go home to?”

Mudrax yawned. “You’re not the first AMN reporter to flip out and want to do real journalism. “ He stood up, towering over the still sitting human. ”You think you’re above us porn stars, prostitutes and strippers, as if what we do demeans us. You aren’t. This is a job to me, a fun job, but still a job.” He pointed to the cutout, “I may fuck every hominid race on screen in every position known to hominids, but off screen—“

“Most female trolls won’t even talk to you.” Mudrax stumbled back and fell his into his chair. Rai had him. Female trolls ignoring male troll porn stars was common knowledge but it was rare to hear this from the mouth of a male troll. He picked up his remote and started rolling. “Mudrax, why won’t female trolls mate with you?”

Mudrax sighed and looked sad, as if he was going to cry. “Female trolls are beautiful creatures, toned yet curvy, with long silky black hair and emerald eyes that can melt any man’s heart. We males are ugly by comparison.” He slapped his chest. “I look like a deformed ogre! So the only thing we have to attract them,” he pointed behind him, “is our foot long naturally ribbed cocks that can safely remain hard for hours, then cum on command shooting giant loads. We can have up to three or four consecutive orgasms before we have to stop.”

The studio was really getting stuffy and uncomfortable, but Rai pressed on. “There has to be more than that, otherwise trolls would’ve died out eons ago.”

“There is,” Mudrax said. “Trolls are taught to support their spouses emotionally, to be there for each other, to listen to each other.”

“Strange coming from the deity of death.”

Mudrax closed his eyes, and then sprung them open, “Death without life is life without death: meaningless. To prepare for death without living life is to miss the point entirely.”

“What does any of this have to do with porn?” Rai asked.

“Everything! Unlike every other hominid race, trolls are the only matriarchy. Men spreading their seed around is viewed as a sin by many troll women. I once heard a human porn actress complain that girls are expected to be chaste while boys can sleep around. I replied that she should’ve been born a troll, because the double standard is reversed. She married a friend of mine a few months later.”

“But you’re stronger than they are. Fight back if you feel subjected.”

“Spoken like a human. Who said male trolls are subjugated? Most troll men are too busy getting banged by their hot spouses to care. It’s another thing about trolls: sex after marriage doesn’t decrease, it increases.”

Rai blushed. “Maybe I should marry a troll.”

“Get in line. I’ve seen other hominids literally try to kill each other over the love of a troll woman.”

“Let me guess: troll women can sleep outside the race, but troll men cannot.”

“Nope, plenty of troll men have happily fathered with other kinds of women, though it’s almost always those who can’t find themselves a troll wife.”

“So, do female trolls ignore you?”

“I’m not marr—“

There was a knock on the door. Rai stopped the feed. “Come on in.”

A buxom female troll wearing a slinky black dress and black makeup walked in and across the room. She lay back in Mudrax’s lap, and kissed him passionately. Mudrax grinned. “Meet my wife, Yula the Bountiful.” He groped her. They playfully growled at each other.

Rai dropped his remote, speechless.

“I was watching from the two way mirror over there,” She pointed behind Rai to the tinted widow behind him. “I came in because I didn’t want to have my baby lie about what’s waiting for him at home.”

“How—how much of that was a lie?”

Mudrax supported Yula with his arms as she moved over so he could look at the reporter better.  “All I will tell you is that Yula, like most wives of male trolls in porn, doesn’t care who I screw at work as long as I don’t screw for love with anyone other than her. Since she’s a porn actress herself, she’ll know.”

She ran her fingers over his chest. “Mudrax performs better with me that he does for anyone else. Even in three ways with another woman, he screws me harder.”

“But you said—“

“I never said anything. You said troll women shunned male porn actors, not me. I just decided to play along because you obviously thought you were going to get a big story out of this, one that would get you a better job. But you’re not going anywhere because you obviously failed to do things every journalist should do, like researching the background the people you’re interviewing.”

Mudrax stood up and put her on her feet. They locked arms.

“Come on baby,” she said, “let’s leave this loser to his shame while we prove him wrong, all night long.”

Mudrax’s face suddenly lit up. “I got a better idea,” he said.

She smiled while looking at Rai, knowing what he was thinking.

“How would you like to be a porn producer?” Mudrax asked.

Rai stood up, picked up his remote and stepped back. “Better than being a journalist. Start fucking…” He clicked on the remote. “Now!”

“And cut!” A voice said over an intercom. The camera pods hovering above and around them stopped filming. The troll director walked in. “Thanks for your help, Rai.”

Rai smiled. “Who better to play a journalist, than a real journalist?”

“Come back in three hours for the finishing shots. I know you’ve got other stories to cover but it’ll be nice for continuity if you just didn’t disappear. I hate when that happens.”

“Count on it… but one thing, how much of that was real?”

“Almost all of it. Many women do shun troll porn actors,” Yula leaned against Mudrax.” But I don’t.” Yula was actually married to Mudrax. They were performing a scene together, as they occasionally did, in movie a called Troll Romance 4.

“Being authentic is what wins awards,” the director said.

“So how does the wider troll community view you?”

“Any objections my parents had disappeared when I bought them a new aircraft,” Mudrax said.

“Well good luck with the scene.”

Yula looked up at her husband. “We’ve been practicing .”

Rai walked out of the studio as the director called action. His actual camera pod was in the hallway waiting for him.

Rai might not have had the more prestigious beat, but nothing else would have been so much fun.

Read this and sixteen brand new short stories in Sandworm Rodeo!

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