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Ethereal Girls 2 Announcement

From left to right: Meadow, Phoenix, Liza and Jonola.

From left to right: Meadow, Phoenix, Liza and Jonola.

 

“Stupid fleshlings!” Jonola hissed. “They wouldn’t know a good book if it hit them in the face!”

Jonola, along with Liza, Phoenix and Meadow, were hanging out in Meadow’s room at the Travilah Academy for Powered Students.  Jonola was curled-up on Meadow’s bed next to Liza, who sat on the edge.  Phoenix leaned against the closet while Meadow sat cross-legged on the floor on her mat.

Meadow replied, “Some books fail, others succeed, it’s the nature of publishing.”

“But you’re in the book,” Phoneix said as she fidgeted with a dagger.

Meadow folded her arms. “So? This society just isn’t ready to accept us, that’s all.”

“I don’t care if the book doesn’t sell a hundred copies,” Liza cried, “all I want is for people to stop calling the drawing of me on the book cover ugly! I don’t have an hourglass figure, but otherwise it’s me.”

Jonola ran a hand along her scales. “I don’t have an hourglass figure either but you don’t see me complaining.”

“But the hatred isn’t directed at you, it’s directed almost entirely at me!”

“Oh yes it is. Some idiot fleshing said I had breasts.” Jonola turned her snout up. “That’s an insult to Lamia!”

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Phoenix said, “He was making it all up.” She sighed. “We don’t even know a Stacy.”

Liza’s cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled it out. “I got a text message from Noah.” Her eyes lit up. “It says he’s going to write an Ethereal Girls sequel, just because!”

Jonola uncoiled and slithered up and over Liza’s shoulder to look. She let out a happy hiss while wiggling her forked tongue. “Yes!”

Meadow stood up and stretched with a faint smile on her face. “Does it say what the plot is?”

“No,” Liza said.

Phoenix flipped a dagger in the air and caught it, visibly unmoved. “We’ll find out soon enough.”

Liza added. “Noah also announces that his next release, the K23 Detectives reboot Deltan Skies, will be formally introduced March 4th where it will be given a firm release time frame. He adds that if people like this original book announcement and are interested, they can purchase Ethereal Girls eBooks for 99 cents at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Smashwords. He closes by asking that those who’ve already read the book and enjoyed it, please leave a customer review.”

Jonola slithered off the bed. “That doesn’t make any sense. Who’re the K23 Detectives?”

“It does make sense,” Meadow said, “it just wasn’t meant for us.”

Phoenix looked up. “I often wonder if we don’t really exist, if we’re nothing more than book characters created from Noah’s imagination.”

“Just as long as people accept me,” Liza said, “that’s all that matters.”

Fiction K23 Side Story

K23 Side Story: An Unnatural Love

Warning the following story deals with mature sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.

Out of all the sick, twisted individuals in New Delta, the Deltan Adult Female Brac’tai Love Association, or DAFBLA, had to be near the bottom in Private Detective Felicita Johnson’s estimation. She investigated sex crimes and while she put away individuals who were arguably far worse than DAFBLA, t took advantage of the naïve members of a species not even in the same phylum.

Brac’tai were harmless tentacle creatures that didn’t reproduce like any other creature in Terrall; it was hard to even call their mating practices “sexual.” The process was the exact opposite of how most people assumed it was. Despite that, perverted women preyed on them for their own sexual gratification by making Brac’tai think they were playing “harmless games.” Despite being very smart creatures, hominid sexuality was something they could never understand.

DAFBLA had been around for decades, but law enforcement could never convict them of sex crimes. It was hard to argue in front of Legaltron that what the women were doing was rape, since the Brac’tai were willing, if clueless, participants. Then DAFBLA started purchasing ads on walkway screens in order to recruit new converts at the DAFBLA headquarters in Tower S-13.

This was law enforcement’s chance; DAFBLA was violating prostitution laws. Prostitution was only legal in the Red Light Tower, Tower S-17.  This was not because of moral objections to prostitution, but rather to ensnare the criminal elements who invariably controlled much of it, legal or not. That was done by charging offenders with solicitation for prostitution outside of the Red Light Tower. In many cases, prostitutes would meet their clients in the tower and leave to go elsewhere, which was a crime. Numerous pimps had gone to the Penitentiary because of it.

Now Felicitia had her opportunity. She filed criminal charges with Legaltron, the super computer that acted as New Delta’s court system.  A court date was set for 12/24/10020 at 11:00 in Courtroom D in Legaltron Tower, Tower R-18.

“Now hearing Johnson vs. DAFBLA,” Legaltron’s voice spoke over the loudspeaker. In the front was a giant screen with usual computerized judge and exhibit sections. “Speaking for the Defendants is Srintella Casbren. Both sides will present opening remarks during which there will be no objections from either side.”

Felicita and Strintella sat at tables on opposite sides of the main aisle. Srintella was a very high priced Deltan elf lawyer, pretty and dressed in a power suit. The reason why she was defending them was because she was a member herself. Sitting next to her was DAFBLA’s president Leonor Cummings. She was a fat, middle aged human with terrible skin who had to have more problems getting men to screw her then ogre females did. Not even ogre males would touch her.

Sitting next to Felicita was her assistant, a young human female named Bella Goslen.

Behind them in the galleries, were dozens of DAFBLA hominid members, of varying races, ages and attractiveness.

Felicita would go first. She stood. “My case is very simple. DAFBLA is a prostitution ring that operates inside their headquarters in Tower S-13. Their ads are little more than solicitations for hominid females to pay to have sex with Brac’tai, who themselves are essentially DAFBLA’s slaves. The evidence I will present will be simple and fact-based. They are soliciting for prostitution outside of the Red Light Tower. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Felicitia sat. There were boos and jeers from the audience.

Next it was Strintella’s turn. She stood and began to pace around the front of the courtroom as she spoke. “The Deltan Adult Female Brac’tai Love Association is about love between an adult hominid female and a Brac’tai. The plaintiff would have you believe that Brac’tai cannot feel sexual love. They can. DAFBLA is simply a dating service that pairs up women and Brac’tai for a relationship of exploration. The ads we ran were really no different than other dating services. The dues women pay are merely administrative. Furthermore, we will show that Ms. Johnson is after us because she has an agenda. She is unfairly persecuting us for practicing alternative sexualities.” The audience clapped as she sat.

“How are we going to beat that?” Bella whispered. “She’s not wrong.”

“Don’t worry,” Felicitia said. “Trust me.”

“It is now time for formal arguments and evidence presentation,” Legaltron said. “Plaintiffs will go first. Objections are now allowed.”

Felicita stood. “I would like to call Leonor Cummings to the witness stand!” There was murmuring as Leonor and Strintella debated intensely. There was nothing Strintella could do to stop her from calling Leonor.

A chair on a platform raised from the floor front and center. Leonar got up, went to the platform and sat down.

Felicita stood in front of her. “Ms. Cummings, I have one question for you: How do Brac’tai reproduce?”

“Objection! Question is irrelevant!” Strintella screamed.

“Objection overruled!” Legaltron replied. “Relevance has yet to be determined. Witness must answer question.”

“Umm… well… A male Brac’tai sticks a tentacle into—“

“Wrong! If you had bothered to learn anything about Brac’tai beyond how to get them to serve your own sexual fantasies, you would know how they mate!” Felicita pointed at the screen. “I present exhibit A, a video taken in the Terrillwyn of a male and a female Brac’tai mating!”

The room darkened and a video appeared of the screen. A male and a female floated a few feet away from each other in a slow moving jungle stream. They looked completely identical with six arm tentacles, four foot tentacles, two eye tentacles and large gaping mouths. The male spit white goop into the water. The female spit greyish goop into the water.  Then both Brac’tai stayed still and watched the goop as it melded and congealed. The video sped up and showed a tiny Brac’tai a few inches in a diameter forming out of the substances. When the Brac’tai was fully formed with fully working eyes, it let out a high-pitched meep and both parents swam off in opposite directions since the tiny Brac’tai was fully self-sufficient. Fortunately for the rest of Terrall, while the Brac’tai were prolific breeders, their young were easy prey for aquatic predators.

The lights came back on as the entire DAFBLA contingent sat stunned.

“Ms. Cummings,” Felicita said, “you clam that DAFBLA is a dating service, that you are exploring the love between a hominid female and a Brac’tai. But how can you claim it’s mutual when you can clearly see that Brac’tai quantify sexuality in a completely different manner? Brac’tai certainly aren’t getting sexual gratification out of it. They aren’t capable of that. Therefore, DAFBLA cannot be about love. It is a merely a way for women to find sexual release and therefore is a prostitution service. The women are paying for the opportunity to meet and screw Brac’tai.”

“Objection!” Strintella screamed at the top of lungs, tears running down her cheeks. “The Brac’tai aren’t paid!”

“Objection sustained! Plaintiff must prove the Brac’tai receive material benefits from DAFBLA. Unless Plaintiff has more questions, witness can return to her seat.” Lenora scurried back to the defendant’s corner.

Felicitia smiled. “I present exhibit B, a Biogenomics invoice dated 10/15/10020. It’s for a delivery of five thousand gallons of nutritional fluid, plus three resting tanks, to DAFBLA headquarters. This delivery date corresponds to the date three more Brac’tai became ‘available’ in addition to the ten they already had.”

“Objection! Exhibit is a forgery!”

Both Felicita and Bella burst out laughing.

“Objection overruled!” Legaltron said. “Defendants have no merit on which to base this claim due to document being verified by Biogenomics.”

“The defense would like to change its plea to guilty,” Strintella sobbed.

“Plea change accepted. What punishment do the plaintiffs seek?”

“Complete disbanding of DAFBLA, your honor,” Felicita said. “The Brac’tai under their employment will be free to do as they please.”

“Do the defendants wish to contest this?”  Legaltron asked.

Strinella hung her head low. “No.”

And Felicita had won a stunning but easy victory. All she really did was show them their delusions and the defense crumbled. Sure, some women would continue to prey on Brac’tai for selfish sexual gratification, but the organization itself was finished and its Brac’tai slaves free.

Good riddance.

Read more side stories!

 

Fiction K23 Side Story

K23 Side Story: Sandworm Rodeo

Yes, this was an actual story!

This story is what spawned that cover!

 

Payol Chincrusher was going to die. The orc was dehydrated and standing in 110-degree heat a few hundred yards from the Meran Ocean, a vast body of water which bordered the Alamaro Wastes. He stumbled over the flat burning sand and collapsed.

This was what happened when you screwed over the Mol Borang, a large hijacking ring that stole millions of credits worth of Barrenlands ore every year. He snitched on them after his bosses refused to give him a fair share, letting the powers that be know when a major heist was planned. Dozens of Mol Borang were killed. In return, the Mol Borang dumped him in the Wastes to die, a far more insidious death than just shooting him.

As his consciousness began to fade, he noticed something odd. There were dozens of eye tentacles poking up a few inches above the sand in a long line parallel to the shore. Payol instantly knew what they belonged to: Brac’tai, the amphibious round tentacle things that spawned in Elemchi’s waterways and then drifted around the world, wherever the ocean currents would take them. A bunch always ended up in New Delta, working for Ashram-Uriah but many never did.

Despite where they were, these Brac’tai were very much alive, as every eye was focused squarely on him.

He was saved.

Brac’tai were living water filters, able to survive in all but the most polluted waterways, their bodies filtering everything but necessary nutrients. Unfortunately for most city-states, using Brac’tai to filter their water was impractical and they would need millions to make any serious difference.

“Help me,” Payol moaned.

A sandy tentacle came out of the ground, wrapped around Payol, and a brac’tai pulled itself up so that its large gaping mouth was flat with the ground, becoming a goblet of cool water, which the brac’tai sponged in. This would be highly embarrassing if anyone saw him, but life was life. He drank.

Then Payol notice the sand that shifted upwards with the brac’tai was wet. This made sense being so close to the water that he could hear the drone of the ocean. Being buried in the sand must have let them gather and conserve water while their skin let them breathe. Still, what they were doing here was somewhat of a mystery. There was nothing here.

The answer came when the ground began to shake and everyone, Bac’tai and orc alike, began to rise out of the sand to massive cheers. The Brac’tai had attached themselves to bumps on the skin of the Alamaro’s sole natural inhabitant: sandworms. Sandworms were hundreds of feet long and slid over and beneath the sand, living off microbes in the sand. They were what made the Alamaro Wastes uninhabitable everywhere but the City of Sands. This was due to the sandworms being unable to pass through rock, a fact which also made sure the worms stayed out of the rest of Hominia.

As the worm rose, the Brac’tai that had saved Payol turned around, and Parol held on for dear life.

He saw that they were towards the front of the worm, where its large gaping mouth was located. Its mouth contained several teeth, which loosened the packed sand at deeper depths for easier digestion. The ingested sand would travel through the worm’s giant stomach and would be expelled out the animal‘s rear end. While they weren’t carnivorous creatures, standing in a worm’s way meant you’d be swallowed, digested and expelled.

The sandworm, once it had surfaced, tilted itself upwards and then slammed back down, to even louder cheers.

Payol began to rock as the worm contracted and relaxed, pulling itself along the ground, the bumps on its flesh giving it traction on the fine sand. The Brac’tai began to slap the worm’s rough skin, causing it to move faster. The rocking turned into a constant vibration as it accelerated.

The Brac’tai then pulled at once to the right and the sandworm turned inland. The wind was now beginning to rush against Payol’s face as the sandworm reached speeds so fast the front of the worm lifted off the sand as it traveled.

The Brac’tai bounced and the sandworm dived into the sand. Payol shut his eyes and held his breath as the sand tore his soaked clothes off his body. His thick orc hide stayed intact, clutching the cool slimy Brac’tai even tighter.

The Brac’tai leaned back and the sandworm rushed up and launched into the air. At the apex the sandworm turned down. For a split-second, Payol was weightless, floating in the air. A rush went to his head.

He began to cry out in joy with the Brac’tai as the worm dived back into the sand, and then launch again.

Up and down, up and down they went, over and over again in an exhilarating ride. How long this lasted he didn’t know, but the ride eventually ended and the worm sank into the sand far enough that Payol was back on the sand.

The City of Sands glistened in the afternoon sun, the worm as close as it would go.

Payol patted the Brac’tai. “Thank you.” They all chirped.  Payol stood up and walked a few feet. Then the sandworm began to rise back up as the brac’tai waved goodbye.

The sand began to burn and Payol dashed towards civilization, food and clothes. The sandworm turned around, taking the Brac’tai back towards the ocean. They would probably just soak up more water and go for another ride or two before heading back into the oceans, departing for other ports of call.

As much Payol wanted to stay with them, he had other things to do, like deal with the Mog Boral and maybe start a business sending tours on sandworm rides.

As he reached the City, an enormous metal box, Payol dismissed the latter idea.

The expense from lost clothes would probably put him out of business.

Fiction K23 Side Story

K23 Side Story: Finality

Every time the clockwork gear clicked in the clock on the mantel along the wall in his study, Alvar Tanner’s heart skipped a beat and his trepidation rose.

14:25:37.

14:25:38.

14:25:39.

His study was silent. He had sent his family away. He wanted to be alone.

14:25:44.

14:25:45.

14:25:46.

The plush armchair he sat in was no longer comforting. His clothes were soaked with sweat.

14:25:58.

14:25:59.

14:26:00.

Four more minutes!

The seconds were counting up to 14:30:00, when he would reach one hundred years and a day…when his time would finally come to an end. He was in great shape at one hundred, looking like he was in his early forties.

That was all thanks to the arcane age-extending treatments he’d paid through the nose for. Every year since his late-twenties, a mage would say a few incantations, inject Alvar with some concoctions and Alvar would physically age at a fifth of his normal rate, starting from the moment of the treatment. Regardless of when one started the treatment, they’d always die at the same age: one hundred years and a day. At that moment, one would suddenly look their age then promptly die. And if they missed a treatment, the years they‘d “skipped“ would instantly catch up with them.

14:26:55.

14:26:56.

14:26:57.

Most who underwent the treatments until a hundred simply sedated themselves so they died in their sleep. Alvar couldn’t sleep. Most underwent the treatments to remain in good health until the end. Alvar underwent the treatments because he feared death. He was terrified of losing all that he had.

14:27:30.

14:27:31.

14:27:32.

Alvar was rich, the owner of a successful aircraft manufacturer called Ansala. He lived in a huge luxury apartment filled with things gathered from his travels over the four continents. He had been married to the love of his life for seventy years, though he had lost her when she hit a hundred and a day a few months before. He had four children, eight grandchildren and thirteen great-grandchildren.

14:28:00.

14:28:01.

14:28:02.

A Uthiran acquaintance named Baroglong who was pushing eight-hundred told Alvar he was lucky. There was a reason all Uthirans eventually went mad. It was the only way they could deal with the time. His acquaintance was obsessive-compulsive, nearly eating Alvar when he moved a chair out of place in the Uthiran’s warehouse den. Alvar didn’t care, he still wanted to live for a thousand years.

14:28:59.

14:29:00.

14:29:01.

Less than a minute to go. There was nothing anyone could do. The most advanced medical technology in the world would not able to extend his life. Any more treatments were pointless.

14:29:35.

14:29:36.

14:29:37.

His time was up. He could do nothing but reluctantly give in. He held up a small mirror and looked at himself.

14:29:58.

15:29:59.

14:30:00!

The clock chimed on the mantel and continued clicking away, but Alvar didn’t hear it. Alvar had gone deaf. He could no longer see himself; he’d went blind.

His hair fell out. His teeth rotted. His skin wrinkled and sagged. His bones went brittle. He took one last wheezing breath and his heart stopped…

But that was not the end, not yet. His soul had one stop to make on its journey to oblivion. It was a limbo of sorts where all the souls of the sentient went, a place where Thagnar the Dead stripped souls of their attachments to their previous life. It was these attachments which would keep them whole. The souls of plants, insects, microbes and the like skipped this step, as they formed no attachments; most were not even aware they were ever alive at all.

The experience in that limbo was different for each soul, mirroring the life they had lived. For Alvar, he was sitting exactly where he was, still in his forties, but with one small difference. His wife, Osana, stood in front of him looking radiant and beautiful in her prime.

She walked to him and took his hand. “It’ll be ok, Alvar, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Death comes to all things in time. It ‘s the way of the universe.”

“But I didn’t want to go. It’s not fair!” He pulled his hand away.

She bent down and took his head in her heads, forcing him to stare into her sparkling brown eyes. “I didn’t want to die either, but I accepted it and slept through the end. Thagnar allowed me to stay here and take the final steps into nothingness with you.”

He pushed her back. “You’re not Osana! The last thing she did before she took the pills was saying her final goodbyes, leaving no lingering regrets!”

Osana transformed into Thagnar the Dead, a hooded figure with skeletal hands. All one could see of his face was glowing red eyes. “Osana was easy,” the deity said in a deep baritone. “She split apart with little effort.”

Alvar crossed his legs and arms and looked away. “You’re evil!”

Thagnar laughed. “I am not evil. I am necessary, While Illwyn can always form new souls from the infinite energy, without me and the end I bring, life is not worth living. Let me show you something.”

Alvar and the chair found themselves in a massive cavern with a large opening to the outside on a wall and a brook running through it. In the center of the cavern was a humongous blue Uthiran, at least a hundred feet long, curled up on the ground. Its eyes were glazed over. Its mouth hung open, a pool of drool forming on the ground. Occasionally an electric spark traveled over its scales and sent twitches through its wings and tail.

“We are on Uthira, mere moments after you died. No one here can notice your presence as you are now simply divine energy. That Uthiran lying there, named Imsomon, is twenty-five hundred years old, older than New Delta itself. Look at him,” Thagnar pointed a bony finger, “He’s catatonic. The mental stress of seeing empires rise and fall and mountains erode into hills has left his mind fractured and broken. He spends every day sitting in that very spot, staring off into space, growing ever larger and more powerful even though most of him will never move again under his own power.”

Another blue Uthiran two-thirds Imsomon’s size slowly walked in carrying a torn carcass of something. “Dinner, father,” she said to him in Dragon with a soft tone. She put the carcass down, tore off a hunk of meat and slowly chewed it. She pried Imsomon’s mouth open a little further and spit the meat inside. Imsomon swallowed.

“You are watching a daughter’s love for her father, a love that over the millennia-and-a-half of her life has become an obsession. All Thaxia does is care for her catatonic father: Feeding him regurgitated meat; giving him water from the brook; cleaning his orifices and removing his waste. She feeds from the same carcass, drinks from the same water, lives in the same cave. Her identity is his identity.”

“But why?” Alvar asked. “I thought Uthirans stopped dealing with their parents completely after a few centuries.”

“For many that is true; but not for all. Thaxia was the strongest of her brood, the one Imsomon was proud of the most. He took her under his wing and molded her into a strong and powerful dragon even as his mental state deteriorated. She never moved far, and when he finally went completely catatonic a millennia ago—“

“You can’t be serious!” Alvar screamed.

Thaxia began collecting water for him in her jaw.

“It is true,” Thagnar replied. “Imsomon has been laying here and Thaxia has been caring for him in the exact same way for the last three-hundred sixty-five thousand days… give or take a thousand or two.”

Thaxia was holding her father’s jaw up as she poured water down his throat.

Thagnar continued, “When he dies, she will die as well. Her purpose for living this long will be gone.”

Alvar put his head in his hands. If he could cry he would. “Stop this! I don’t want to see it anymore!”

Thangar waved his hand and Alvar’s face turned to look at the Uthirans. Thaxia walked back to the brook to collect more water.

“No. You must that learn that the longer you live beyond your time, the more of a relic and a burden you become. They have both lived long beyond their time, stuck in an endless cycle of repetition because there is nothing else. But do not worry, I have shown you them because that seemingly infinite cycle of days is not infinite after all.”

Thaxia came back with a second mouthful, but let it splash on the ground when she felt no breath. Imsomom’s body was limp. His eyes were closed. There were no more sparks. Thaxia sniffed and nudged her father a few times. She let out a pathetic roar and collapsed next to him. Her breathing slowed, and then stopped.

The cavern vanished and Alvar stood in a black void with Thagnar in front of him. The deity extended his hand. “So now do you understand why all things must come to an end?”

Alvar nodded. “Yes, I do. My life ended when it was still very good. I am glad that I have lived a long and fulfilling existence. My time has passed.”

He took Thagnar’s hand.

In an instant Alvar Tanner ceased to exist. His soul was decimated, his existence no more. His soul’s energy was now in Illwyn’s care. She would form it into a completely new soul which would give life to someone yet to be born.

Fiction

Conflict Resolution 1 and Conflict Resolution 2

Seeing people enjoyed Election Night 2012 has made me go back and find the other “fake reality cards” I’ve made over the years. I’ve found 2. These are Conflict Resolution cards from 2006 and 2007. Note that these were written with people who were alive or in power at time. Enjoy.
Conflict Resolution 1(from 2006)
The United Nations Presents Conflict Resolution, live this sunday night only on PPV from the United Nations Headquarters in New York City.
Main Event: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Vs. President George Bush in a Punjabi Prisons match
The outspoken Iranian President issued a challange to President Bush to settle their differences in a Punjabi Prisions match. If Bush wins, Iran dismantles thier nuclear program. If Ahmadinejad wins, America must pull out of Iraq and leave Iran alone.

Tune in this sunday to watch the match to decide the fate of the Middle East.

Also order to watch these explosive matches from around the globe:

Sheik Hassan Nasrallah vs. Isreali Prime-minister Ehud Olmert with special guest referree PLO President Mahmoud Abbas

Can’t disarm Hezbollah by invading them? Try the ring. Live this sunday, the Hezbollah/Isreali conflict will come to an end with a 1-2-3. But with the palastinian prescence in the match, who knows the outcome.

President Hugo Chavez vs. Prime Minister Tony Blair
In a last ditch effort to save face with his party, Tony Blair has issued a challange to Hugo Chavez. If he wins, his popularity will go up. If he loses…
Raul Castro said he would be at ringside, what part will he play? Tune in this sunday to find out.

North-Korean Premier Kim Jong Ill vs. Chinese President Hu Jintao in an exploding barbed-wire deathmatch

China tried to reach out to North Korea in setting up talks about its nuclear program, but North Korea brushed them off. Hu Jintao didn’t like being emberassed on the international stage. Live this sunday, he will defend his honor in an exploding barbed-wire deathmatch with the barbed wire and mines imported directly from the DMZ.

López Obrador and two mystery luchadors vs. Felipe Calderón and two mystery luchadors in a Lucha Libre six-man tag match

Even after recount after recount, Obrador will not admit defeat. Live this sunday, the Mexican presidentship will be determined once and for all in a classic 6-man two-ref lucha match. Each candidate will be the team leader and will invite two luchadors each to help him in his battle.

Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa vs. Tamil Tiger political leader for the east S. Elilan in a Cambodian First-Blood Match

In a latch ditch effort to end the violence in a more than quarter-century long civil war, the fate of Sri-Lanka will be decided in a Cambodian First-Blood Match. The rules are simply, first person to critically injure thier opponent, wins.

The Robert Mugabe Open Invitational
The President of Zimbabwe has issued a challange that he can beat anyone in the entire world because he’s that damn good, or he’ll resign and give the winner five million Z-dollars. Who will show up to face him? Tune in this Sunday to find out.

Conflict Resolution II(from 2007):

The United Nations presents Conflict Resolution II, live this Sunday night only on PPV, live from the United Nations Headquarters in New York City,Last year’s Conflict Resolution saw Felipe Calderón secure his Mexican Presidency in a high flying Lucha match with the help of Super Parka and Rey Mysterio Sr. It also saw President Bush emerge bloody and beaten but victorious from the Punjabi Prisons match where he faced Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.The Cambodian First-Blood Match shocked everyone by being the match of the night.This year’s card will be even more explosive and edge of your seat than last years.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki vs. Blackwater CEO Erik Prince in a Baghdad Rope Match. With Blackwater on the defensive over his company’s actions, Erik Prince had enough and said, “If everyone hates me so much, why doesn’t somebody fight me?” Al-Malaki accepted and two will meet in Baghdad Rope Match. The two will be strapped together and in each corner there will be an explosive device that will explode when someone touches it. To win, one must send them into a corner and blow them up.

Who gets blown up? Tune into find out.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe vs. TBA

Last year’s open challenge from Mugabe to anyone that if they beat him, he’d step down and they’d get five million Z-dollars, was a sham as Mugabe brought out some half-starved political prisoner and beat him senseless in the ring. Mugabe, this year has once again put out a challenge that if his opponent wins, he will step down and they will will ten million Z-dollars.

However, this year the UN has vowed that Mugabe will not bring out a jobber as as voting for Mugabe’s opponent will happen online at www.conflictresolutioncard.org and the winner will face Mugabe. To prevent cheating, only one vote per IP address and if any irregularities are found, Mugabe will automatically face Zimbabwe Opposition Leader Morgan Tsvangirai, who is also heavily favored to win the vote.

Who will face Mugabe? Do your part and vote!

North Korean leader Kim Jong Ill vs. South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun

In a nasty display, Ill ambushed and beat Moo-Hyun when the South Korean leader visited Ill in Pyong-Yang for peace-talks. In order to prevent the cease-fire from ending, both leaders will fight it out at Conflict Resolution. While winning will cause one country to absorb the other, combat in the ring will hopefully prevent combat on the ground in Korea.

Benazir Bhutto vs. Pakistani President Pervez Musharrafin a No Holds Barred Match. 
After Bhutto was almost killed by a bomb trying to return to Pakistan, she blamed Musharraf, who blamed radical Islamists. Bhutto would have none of it and challenged Musharraf to a street fight to end the back and forth bickering. Now the two will meet and the future of Pakistan hangs in the balance.

Al Qaeda has also vowed to interfere in the match, will they? Anything goes!

Burmese/Myanmarian leader Senior Gen. Than Shwe Vs. Daw Aung San Suu Kyi in a ladder match. 

Tired of democracy crackdowns, the UN has set up a ladder match between Shwe and Ms. Aung San Suu Kyi, the leader of Pro-Democarcy movement in Burma. Hanging above the ring will be a briefcase containing a declaration that the country will either be called Burma or Myanmar depending on the winner. It’s really more of a symbol, as if Shwe wins, Kyi will be executed in the middle of the ring, or if Ms. Kyi wins, the Junta will be overthrown and a democratically elected-government will be ushered in.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan Vs. US President George W. Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin in a two out three falls tag-team match.

Last year Bush beat Ahmadinejad to dismantle Iran’s nuclear program, but Iran defied the US and is continuing on its Nuclear Path. The two leaders looked to battle again in the ring. However, the stakes have been raised. Turkey created an alliance with Iran because of anger over the bill calling the Armenian killings during World War 1 “a genocide” and the attacks by the PPK and Bush’s unwillingness to act.

Both countries put out a challenge to Bush for a handicap match. But then Vladimir Putin stepped in with an offer to be Bush’s tag-team partner and make the match a 2/3 falls tag team match. All sides agreed and the match was signed.

Now all eyes are on the match, the fate of this match could possibly completely shift the balance of power in the world. But what is Putin’s role in all of this? Why did he, out of the blue, extend the offer? Can Bush trust him? Can Ahmadinejad and Erdogan trust each other as their hatred of the US is the only thing keeping them together?

Find out this Sunday in a sure to be blockbuster match.

Main Event: Leaders of various Sudanese Rebel factions vs. Sudanese Government and Janjaweed Leaders in a Genocide Cage match. 

The Darfur conflict has turned into a humanitarian crisis with no end in sight, with massive genocide and other atrocities committed by both sides. The UN has declared that at Conflict Resolution the Darfur crisis must end in a Genocide Games match.

In the match there are two teams made up of four leaders from each side. An extra ring will be erected next to the first one and a cage erected around both. At the beginning of the match one man from both sides enter the cage and every five minutes another participant will enter from one side, the order decided by coin toss. Once all eight men have entered, the winning sides will the one who knocks out or critically injures three members of the opposing team.

What is not know is who will actually show up and fight, as it was difficult to get leaders to show up to just diplomatic talks. Therefore, in order to spur the leaders to show up, the match has been declared the official main event and will headline the show.

The first four leaders from both sides to show up will be in the match. If eight do not show up and the sides are unequal  the side with the most men present will automatically win. If both sides are equal then the match will be a one on one, tag, or six man match in the cage structure. In neither side shows up at all, the winner will be determined by UN general assembly voting.

How will the conflict end? Will there actually be the advertised Match or even a match at all? There’s only one way to find out. Order now!

I’ll probably go back and create a brand new one for 2012, stay tuned.
Fiction

Election Night 2012 Live on PPV!

The Federal Election Federal proudly presents the Election Night 2012 Pay-Per-View on  November 6th, live at 9pm EST from a sold-out tent on the National Mall in Washington D.C.

Every four years, the Office of the Presidency is decided in the ring in fierce combat, along with a slew of matches featuring other political feuds from across the nation. This year’s line up is so heated, so explosive that it had to be moved out of the United States capital because Congress couldn’t pass the appropriations for repairs when the combatants tore the House down.

Enjoy these eight exciting matches:

Jeb Bush vs. Bill Clinton

At the 2012 Democratic Convention, Former president Bill Clinton galvanized the Democratic party. The Republicans want to shut him up. To do that, they’ve turned to Jeb Bush, who is the Republican hopeful in 2016 if Mitt Romney loses. Jeb accepted because Election Night 2012 is the 20th anniversary of George H.W Bush’s being pinned cleanly in the ring by Bill Clinton in a triple-threat that also featured Ross Perot.

Now Jeb Bush has a chance to avenge his father’s loss and set himself up as the Republican heir apparent. But Bill Clinton is still a formidable opponent and one of the smartest tacticians in the game. Can Jeb do it? Find out at Election Night.

John Stewart and Steven Colbert Vs. Bill O ‘Reilly and Shawn Hannity in a Channel Changer match

The Rumble in the air conditioned auditorium, John Stewart and Bill O’Reilly’s debate for charity at George Washington University in DC, turned physical when O’Reilly’s fellow Fox News host Shawn Hannity blindsided Stewart and both conservative ideologues viciously attacked one of their most outspoken critics. Then Stewart’s Comedy Central cohort Steven Colbert stormed the stage with a steel chair. At first it looked like Colbert would join in attacking Stewart but then he laid out O’Reilly and Hannity.

At Election Night, the four men will take part in a Channel Changer match. A television remote with a five foot range will be suspended on a pole in a corner of the ring. Meanwhile a television will be set up on a side of the entrance stage tuned to a random channel. The first team to grab the remote, make it to the stage and change the channel will be declared the winner.

Tune into Election Night to find out if the Fox News personalities can shut their biggest critics up or if the comedians have the last laugh.

Todd Aiken vs. Senator Claire McCaskill in a ladder match for McCaskill’s Missouri Senate seat.

It’s the battle of the sexes at Election Night, where controversial challenger Todd Aiken will take on embattled Senator Claire McCaskill. This race roared to national attention over Aiken’s controversial remarks that women can’t get pregnant from rape. This caused the Republican party to withdraw their support, but Aiken vowed to fight on against an invigorated opponent.

Because the campaign become a lightning rod in the abortion debate, the campaign will be decided in the ring instead of the polls.  It will be a ladder match with a model of the female reproductive system suspended above the ring, a nod to the campaign’s symbolic importance. Will Aiken grab a model and score a victory for the sanctity of life or will McCaskill defend a women’s right to choose? There’s only one way to find out: order today!

Chief Justice John Roberts Vs. Justice Samuel Alito in a Gavel Match for the office of Chief Justice 

When John Roberts joined with Justices Breyer, Ginsberg, Kegan and Sotomayor in upholding the affordable care act, it was seen as a slap in the face to the court’s conservative side, Justices Alito, Scalia and Thomas, who vowed never to vote with him again.  In addition, they because openly rebellious, insult and mocking him in open court.

Finally during arguments in Arkansas Game and Fish Commission v. United States of America, Roberts had enough of the conservative snickering. He stood up and yelled, “If you guys think you can my job better than me, why you don’t come and get it?” Alito stood up, walked across the bench to Roberts and stood toe to toe. He then grabbed Robert’s gavel and slammed him in the head. The other justice’s intervened and soon all nine Supreme Court Justices were brawling in front of a stunned courtroom.

On Election Night, Roberts and Alito will face off in a Gavel Match, where the Chief Justice’s gavel is the only legal weapon.If Alito wins he will become Chief Justice. Will he succeed, or will Roberts regain order in the court? Find out at Election Night.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid vs. Speaker of the House John Boehner in an Inferno match, where if Bohner loses, he loses his seat

Ever since 2010, Congress has been gridlocked, with the Republican controlled House and Democrat controlled Senate unable to agree on anything. Numerous brawls between Democrats and Republicans have spun out of control and out the House and Senate Chambers. At Election Night, the friction between the two branches will set the ring on fire – literally, in an Inferno Match. Surrounding the ring will be searing flames that can reach 18 feet high. Those flames will cause the in-ring temperature to rise to several hundred degrees. The winner  of the match will be the man who lights his opponent on fire.

Fighting in these hellish conditions will be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House John Boehner who will be battling to prove their legislative branch’s supremacy. While Harry Reid is not up for election, Bohner is and he’s running unopposed.  Still, if Bohner loses, in addition to being possibly admitted to the local burn unit he will also lose his seat.

With the pride of the House and The Senate on the line, only one thing is certain: at Election Night, this will be one sizzling hot match.

Representative Paul Ryan vs.  Vice President Joe Biden  in a Barbed Wire, Thumb Tacks and Light Tube Deathmatch with the stipulation that if Ryan loses, he loses his house seat to Rob Zebran

Mitt Romney picking Paul Ryan as his Vice President was seen as a victory for Republicans. Ryan is charismatic, good looking and intelligent. But at Election Night, he has to face  Vice President Joe Biden, a man known for his explosive personality and lack of discipline. At the match signing at the Vice Presidential Debate, the stipulation was suggested by Biden as a Barbed Wire, Thumb Tacks and Light Tube Death Match. Ryan gleefully accepted. In the matches the ring ropes will be replaced with barbed wire, bags of thumb tacks hung from then, and pallets of light tubes propped in the corners.

While the match initially appears to  favors Biden’s daredevil persona, it’s a match where the offense can hurt the attacker as well as his opponent, so that favors Ryan’s smooth intellectual personality in deciding the smartest moves. In addition, while all that’s on the line for Biden is his pride and maybe a few injures, for Ryan, his House seat is in play. If Ryan loses, he’ll lose his seat and it’ll go to his democratic challenger Rob Zebram. This type of match guarantees the combatants will walk away beaten and bloody, but there can be only one winner. Who will it be? Tune in to find out.

3rd Party Presidential Candidate Over the Top Rope Battle Royal

Due to Federal Law, 3rd party combatants must appear on the card. Therefore, in general Election Night tradition,  the 3rd party combatants will battle it out in a battle royal for bragging rights, with the winner being the last combatant left in the ring after all other opponents have been thrown out over the top rope.  Combatants have until the night before the Event to register to compete.

The following combatants have already registered:  Gary Johnson (Libertarian Party);  Jill Stein (Green Party); Virgil Goode (Constitutional Party); Rocky Anderson (Justice Party); Rosanne Barr (Peace and Freedom Party); Peta Lindsey (Party for Socialism and Liberation); Andre Barnett (Reform Party USA);  Tom Hoefling (America’s Party); Tom Stevens (Objectivist Party); James Harris (Socialist Worker’s Party); Stewart Alexander (Socialist Party USA); and James Carville (Cocktail Party).

Mitt Romney vs. President Barack Obama in a no-disqualifications submissions match for the Presidency of the United States

At Election Night 2008, Barack Obama easily gained the Presidency when he and Biden stomped John McCain and Sarah Palin in a 2/3 falls tag-team match. Even though McCain was able to score a fall by slashing Biden with a machete while Palin distracted the ref, Obama’s victory was never in doubt.  Four years later, Obama is seen as an ineffective president who didn’t live up to his promises. However, Obama still believes that yes, they still can, and needs four more years to do it. However, to gain those four extra years, he faces his toughest opponent yet: former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, a man willing to do and say anything to get what he wants.

Time after time, Romney has physically attacked Obama and his allies, even gaining illegal access to the White House to slam Obama with a chair during a rare press briefing. Meanwhile, Obama has refrained from reciprocating against Romney, trying to seen like the better man even if it sometimes seems futile.

But on Election Night, Obama will fight back as faces Romney in a no-disqualifications submissions match for the Presidency of the United States.  There are no rope breaks, no time-limits, no shelter from the searing pain as limbs are wrenched from their sockets in pursuit of the nation’s top job. There is only one rule: make your opponent tap.  And with Romney stating he’s willing to paralyze Obama in order to become President, will Obama stick to his own principles of fair and equal combat or will he have to sink to Romney’s level to save his job?

On November 6th, watch as an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object in the ring as Barack Obama and Mitt Romney clash in an all-out war sure to go down in the history books. Pay-per-view is the only way to see it. Call or go online and order Election Night 2012 today!

Fiction K23 Side Story

K23 Side Story: Tell the Big Girls to Shove It

The follow story contains frank discussions of tampon usage. Reader discretion is advised.

—-

Matro Barkley didn’t choose feminine hygiene, feminine hygiene choose him. The various choices and events that had led him to be the CEO of Temple Products, which specialized in feminine hygiene products, was ultimately less important than the fact that he was good at his job.

After taking huge shares of the market for products aimed at women of seven out of the eight hominid races, it was time he conquered the last untapped and most challenging market: female ogres.

There were two problems with selling to them. First, most existing pads and tampons were too puny for ogres notoriously monstrous periods. But teaming up with Cybrix Technologies and Biogenomics, Temple had a developed line of tampons and pads called Big Girl, which was made out of materials routinely used to soak up Deltan sludge. While other hominids couldn’t use Big Girl without getting toxic shock syndrome, even trolls, it was perfect for ogres. The second problem was a little harder to overcome, as most ogres were dumb as rocks. Selling them anything was difficult, selling them intimate products was nearly insurmountable as they never grasped the point of half the stuff they were being sold.

To help solve this, he turned to his vice presidents of development and marketing, two human women named Calida Reine and Lola Mchugh. Calida had gotten her PHD in product design creating a moldable pad, unmarketable and uncomfortable, but it was ingenious enough for Matro to snatch her up. Lola was a marketing veteran could find a way to sell just about anything if given the time and the resources.

One morning, Matro sat with the women in a brightly lit, pastel colored conference room eager to hear the results of the extensive product testing they had done. Matro sat on one side of the table, the two women sat on the other.

“The pads are fine and ready for market,” Lola said. “The tampons, however, presented a problem.” She took off her glasses and stared right at him in her matter-of-fact style. “Almost all of the testers were too dumb to understand the instructions.”

Matro winced slightly. “Go on.”

Calida reached down into her bag sitting on the floor next to her. She brought up a Big Girl Tampon box, which featured a smiling ogre on the front. She then brought out the instructions insert and read it: “’Hold the applicator at the grip location with your thumb and middle finger. Remember to keep your pointer finger away from the applicator. With the removal string hanging down, insert the applicator into your vaginal opening at a slight upward angle—‘ Too complicated with too many steps. We went back and figured out the tampons are sturdy enough not to need an applicator. Therefore, in the second batch of samples, we removed the applicator from the box and condensed the instructions to one sentence. Every tester in the second batch used them correctly.”

“I understand not needing the applicators, but how could you still write tampon instructions in one sentence?” Matro asked.

Calida handed him a second sheet. Matro read it, and sweat started forming on his forehead. He crumpled it. “I’m canceling the product and will take the loss.”

“But Matro,” Lola said, “It works, they’ll buy it and you’ll make tons of money. Who cares what the instructions read?”

“I’m not selling a product with  instructions that read,“ he un-crumpled the sheet and cleared his throat, ”’Shove the tampon up your cunt when blood comes out.’” Matro wadded the paper up and tossed it. ”I’ll be the laughing stock of the industry.”

“Our competitors will shut up once they see the sales,” Lola said. “Besides, the instructions are a blunt way of saying what women already do.” Lola and Calida exchanged glances.

“Why not go home and ask your wife and daughters what they do with their tampons,” Calida added, “and then make a decision.”

Matro remembered his home life and said, “My daughters would tell me…” he groaned. “Never mind.” He stood up. “Great work, I’m glad I have you two around.”

Matro now respected ogres. They didn’t dance around the obvious with technical language and jargon. They only understood the blunt truth. His competitors were all too considerate, and that was why no one had tapped the market before. Matro was going to make huge amounts of money being shameless, if just this time.

—-

Read this and sixteen brand new short stories in Sandworm Rodeo!

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