Fiction

Conflict Resolution 1 and Conflict Resolution 2

Seeing people enjoyed Election Night 2012 has made me go back and find the other “fake reality cards” I’ve made over the years. I’ve found 2. These are Conflict Resolution cards from 2006 and 2007. Note that these were written with people who were alive or in power at time. Enjoy.
Conflict Resolution 1(from 2006)
The United Nations Presents Conflict Resolution, live this sunday night only on PPV from the United Nations Headquarters in New York City.
Main Event: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Vs. President George Bush in a Punjabi Prisons match
The outspoken Iranian President issued a challange to President Bush to settle their differences in a Punjabi Prisions match. If Bush wins, Iran dismantles thier nuclear program. If Ahmadinejad wins, America must pull out of Iraq and leave Iran alone.

Tune in this sunday to watch the match to decide the fate of the Middle East.

Also order to watch these explosive matches from around the globe:

Sheik Hassan Nasrallah vs. Isreali Prime-minister Ehud Olmert with special guest referree PLO President Mahmoud Abbas

Can’t disarm Hezbollah by invading them? Try the ring. Live this sunday, the Hezbollah/Isreali conflict will come to an end with a 1-2-3. But with the palastinian prescence in the match, who knows the outcome.

President Hugo Chavez vs. Prime Minister Tony Blair
In a last ditch effort to save face with his party, Tony Blair has issued a challange to Hugo Chavez. If he wins, his popularity will go up. If he loses…
Raul Castro said he would be at ringside, what part will he play? Tune in this sunday to find out.

North-Korean Premier Kim Jong Ill vs. Chinese President Hu Jintao in an exploding barbed-wire deathmatch

China tried to reach out to North Korea in setting up talks about its nuclear program, but North Korea brushed them off. Hu Jintao didn’t like being emberassed on the international stage. Live this sunday, he will defend his honor in an exploding barbed-wire deathmatch with the barbed wire and mines imported directly from the DMZ.

López Obrador and two mystery luchadors vs. Felipe Calderón and two mystery luchadors in a Lucha Libre six-man tag match

Even after recount after recount, Obrador will not admit defeat. Live this sunday, the Mexican presidentship will be determined once and for all in a classic 6-man two-ref lucha match. Each candidate will be the team leader and will invite two luchadors each to help him in his battle.

Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa vs. Tamil Tiger political leader for the east S. Elilan in a Cambodian First-Blood Match

In a latch ditch effort to end the violence in a more than quarter-century long civil war, the fate of Sri-Lanka will be decided in a Cambodian First-Blood Match. The rules are simply, first person to critically injure thier opponent, wins.

The Robert Mugabe Open Invitational
The President of Zimbabwe has issued a challange that he can beat anyone in the entire world because he’s that damn good, or he’ll resign and give the winner five million Z-dollars. Who will show up to face him? Tune in this Sunday to find out.

Conflict Resolution II(from 2007):

The United Nations presents Conflict Resolution II, live this Sunday night only on PPV, live from the United Nations Headquarters in New York City,Last year’s Conflict Resolution saw Felipe Calderón secure his Mexican Presidency in a high flying Lucha match with the help of Super Parka and Rey Mysterio Sr. It also saw President Bush emerge bloody and beaten but victorious from the Punjabi Prisons match where he faced Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.The Cambodian First-Blood Match shocked everyone by being the match of the night.This year’s card will be even more explosive and edge of your seat than last years.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki vs. Blackwater CEO Erik Prince in a Baghdad Rope Match. With Blackwater on the defensive over his company’s actions, Erik Prince had enough and said, “If everyone hates me so much, why doesn’t somebody fight me?” Al-Malaki accepted and two will meet in Baghdad Rope Match. The two will be strapped together and in each corner there will be an explosive device that will explode when someone touches it. To win, one must send them into a corner and blow them up.

Who gets blown up? Tune into find out.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe vs. TBA

Last year’s open challenge from Mugabe to anyone that if they beat him, he’d step down and they’d get five million Z-dollars, was a sham as Mugabe brought out some half-starved political prisoner and beat him senseless in the ring. Mugabe, this year has once again put out a challenge that if his opponent wins, he will step down and they will will ten million Z-dollars.

However, this year the UN has vowed that Mugabe will not bring out a jobber as as voting for Mugabe’s opponent will happen online at www.conflictresolutioncard.org and the winner will face Mugabe. To prevent cheating, only one vote per IP address and if any irregularities are found, Mugabe will automatically face Zimbabwe Opposition Leader Morgan Tsvangirai, who is also heavily favored to win the vote.

Who will face Mugabe? Do your part and vote!

North Korean leader Kim Jong Ill vs. South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun

In a nasty display, Ill ambushed and beat Moo-Hyun when the South Korean leader visited Ill in Pyong-Yang for peace-talks. In order to prevent the cease-fire from ending, both leaders will fight it out at Conflict Resolution. While winning will cause one country to absorb the other, combat in the ring will hopefully prevent combat on the ground in Korea.

Benazir Bhutto vs. Pakistani President Pervez Musharrafin a No Holds Barred Match. 
After Bhutto was almost killed by a bomb trying to return to Pakistan, she blamed Musharraf, who blamed radical Islamists. Bhutto would have none of it and challenged Musharraf to a street fight to end the back and forth bickering. Now the two will meet and the future of Pakistan hangs in the balance.

Al Qaeda has also vowed to interfere in the match, will they? Anything goes!

Burmese/Myanmarian leader Senior Gen. Than Shwe Vs. Daw Aung San Suu Kyi in a ladder match. 

Tired of democracy crackdowns, the UN has set up a ladder match between Shwe and Ms. Aung San Suu Kyi, the leader of Pro-Democarcy movement in Burma. Hanging above the ring will be a briefcase containing a declaration that the country will either be called Burma or Myanmar depending on the winner. It’s really more of a symbol, as if Shwe wins, Kyi will be executed in the middle of the ring, or if Ms. Kyi wins, the Junta will be overthrown and a democratically elected-government will be ushered in.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan Vs. US President George W. Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin in a two out three falls tag-team match.

Last year Bush beat Ahmadinejad to dismantle Iran’s nuclear program, but Iran defied the US and is continuing on its Nuclear Path. The two leaders looked to battle again in the ring. However, the stakes have been raised. Turkey created an alliance with Iran because of anger over the bill calling the Armenian killings during World War 1 “a genocide” and the attacks by the PPK and Bush’s unwillingness to act.

Both countries put out a challenge to Bush for a handicap match. But then Vladimir Putin stepped in with an offer to be Bush’s tag-team partner and make the match a 2/3 falls tag team match. All sides agreed and the match was signed.

Now all eyes are on the match, the fate of this match could possibly completely shift the balance of power in the world. But what is Putin’s role in all of this? Why did he, out of the blue, extend the offer? Can Bush trust him? Can Ahmadinejad and Erdogan trust each other as their hatred of the US is the only thing keeping them together?

Find out this Sunday in a sure to be blockbuster match.

Main Event: Leaders of various Sudanese Rebel factions vs. Sudanese Government and Janjaweed Leaders in a Genocide Cage match. 

The Darfur conflict has turned into a humanitarian crisis with no end in sight, with massive genocide and other atrocities committed by both sides. The UN has declared that at Conflict Resolution the Darfur crisis must end in a Genocide Games match.

In the match there are two teams made up of four leaders from each side. An extra ring will be erected next to the first one and a cage erected around both. At the beginning of the match one man from both sides enter the cage and every five minutes another participant will enter from one side, the order decided by coin toss. Once all eight men have entered, the winning sides will the one who knocks out or critically injures three members of the opposing team.

What is not know is who will actually show up and fight, as it was difficult to get leaders to show up to just diplomatic talks. Therefore, in order to spur the leaders to show up, the match has been declared the official main event and will headline the show.

The first four leaders from both sides to show up will be in the match. If eight do not show up and the sides are unequal  the side with the most men present will automatically win. If both sides are equal then the match will be a one on one, tag, or six man match in the cage structure. In neither side shows up at all, the winner will be determined by UN general assembly voting.

How will the conflict end? Will there actually be the advertised Match or even a match at all? There’s only one way to find out. Order now!

I’ll probably go back and create a brand new one for 2012, stay tuned.

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