Fiction

Election Night 2012 Live on PPV!

The Federal Election Federal proudly presents the Election Night 2012 Pay-Per-View on  November 6th, live at 9pm EST from a sold-out tent on the National Mall in Washington D.C.

Every four years, the Office of the Presidency is decided in the ring in fierce combat, along with a slew of matches featuring other political feuds from across the nation. This year’s line up is so heated, so explosive that it had to be moved out of the United States capital because Congress couldn’t pass the appropriations for repairs when the combatants tore the House down.

Enjoy these eight exciting matches:

Jeb Bush vs. Bill Clinton

At the 2012 Democratic Convention, Former president Bill Clinton galvanized the Democratic party. The Republicans want to shut him up. To do that, they’ve turned to Jeb Bush, who is the Republican hopeful in 2016 if Mitt Romney loses. Jeb accepted because Election Night 2012 is the 20th anniversary of George H.W Bush’s being pinned cleanly in the ring by Bill Clinton in a triple-threat that also featured Ross Perot.

Now Jeb Bush has a chance to avenge his father’s loss and set himself up as the Republican heir apparent. But Bill Clinton is still a formidable opponent and one of the smartest tacticians in the game. Can Jeb do it? Find out at Election Night.

John Stewart and Steven Colbert Vs. Bill O ‘Reilly and Shawn Hannity in a Channel Changer match

The Rumble in the air conditioned auditorium, John Stewart and Bill O’Reilly’s debate for charity at George Washington University in DC, turned physical when O’Reilly’s fellow Fox News host Shawn Hannity blindsided Stewart and both conservative ideologues viciously attacked one of their most outspoken critics. Then Stewart’s Comedy Central cohort Steven Colbert stormed the stage with a steel chair. At first it looked like Colbert would join in attacking Stewart but then he laid out O’Reilly and Hannity.

At Election Night, the four men will take part in a Channel Changer match. A television remote with a five foot range will be suspended on a pole in a corner of the ring. Meanwhile a television will be set up on a side of the entrance stage tuned to a random channel. The first team to grab the remote, make it to the stage and change the channel will be declared the winner.

Tune into Election Night to find out if the Fox News personalities can shut their biggest critics up or if the comedians have the last laugh.

Todd Aiken vs. Senator Claire McCaskill in a ladder match for McCaskill’s Missouri Senate seat.

It’s the battle of the sexes at Election Night, where controversial challenger Todd Aiken will take on embattled Senator Claire McCaskill. This race roared to national attention over Aiken’s controversial remarks that women can’t get pregnant from rape. This caused the Republican party to withdraw their support, but Aiken vowed to fight on against an invigorated opponent.

Because the campaign become a lightning rod in the abortion debate, the campaign will be decided in the ring instead of the polls.  It will be a ladder match with a model of the female reproductive system suspended above the ring, a nod to the campaign’s symbolic importance. Will Aiken grab a model and score a victory for the sanctity of life or will McCaskill defend a women’s right to choose? There’s only one way to find out: order today!

Chief Justice John Roberts Vs. Justice Samuel Alito in a Gavel Match for the office of Chief Justice 

When John Roberts joined with Justices Breyer, Ginsberg, Kegan and Sotomayor in upholding the affordable care act, it was seen as a slap in the face to the court’s conservative side, Justices Alito, Scalia and Thomas, who vowed never to vote with him again.  In addition, they because openly rebellious, insult and mocking him in open court.

Finally during arguments in Arkansas Game and Fish Commission v. United States of America, Roberts had enough of the conservative snickering. He stood up and yelled, “If you guys think you can my job better than me, why you don’t come and get it?” Alito stood up, walked across the bench to Roberts and stood toe to toe. He then grabbed Robert’s gavel and slammed him in the head. The other justice’s intervened and soon all nine Supreme Court Justices were brawling in front of a stunned courtroom.

On Election Night, Roberts and Alito will face off in a Gavel Match, where the Chief Justice’s gavel is the only legal weapon.If Alito wins he will become Chief Justice. Will he succeed, or will Roberts regain order in the court? Find out at Election Night.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid vs. Speaker of the House John Boehner in an Inferno match, where if Bohner loses, he loses his seat

Ever since 2010, Congress has been gridlocked, with the Republican controlled House and Democrat controlled Senate unable to agree on anything. Numerous brawls between Democrats and Republicans have spun out of control and out the House and Senate Chambers. At Election Night, the friction between the two branches will set the ring on fire – literally, in an Inferno Match. Surrounding the ring will be searing flames that can reach 18 feet high. Those flames will cause the in-ring temperature to rise to several hundred degrees. The winner  of the match will be the man who lights his opponent on fire.

Fighting in these hellish conditions will be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House John Boehner who will be battling to prove their legislative branch’s supremacy. While Harry Reid is not up for election, Bohner is and he’s running unopposed.  Still, if Bohner loses, in addition to being possibly admitted to the local burn unit he will also lose his seat.

With the pride of the House and The Senate on the line, only one thing is certain: at Election Night, this will be one sizzling hot match.

Representative Paul Ryan vs.  Vice President Joe Biden  in a Barbed Wire, Thumb Tacks and Light Tube Deathmatch with the stipulation that if Ryan loses, he loses his house seat to Rob Zebran

Mitt Romney picking Paul Ryan as his Vice President was seen as a victory for Republicans. Ryan is charismatic, good looking and intelligent. But at Election Night, he has to face  Vice President Joe Biden, a man known for his explosive personality and lack of discipline. At the match signing at the Vice Presidential Debate, the stipulation was suggested by Biden as a Barbed Wire, Thumb Tacks and Light Tube Death Match. Ryan gleefully accepted. In the matches the ring ropes will be replaced with barbed wire, bags of thumb tacks hung from then, and pallets of light tubes propped in the corners.

While the match initially appears to  favors Biden’s daredevil persona, it’s a match where the offense can hurt the attacker as well as his opponent, so that favors Ryan’s smooth intellectual personality in deciding the smartest moves. In addition, while all that’s on the line for Biden is his pride and maybe a few injures, for Ryan, his House seat is in play. If Ryan loses, he’ll lose his seat and it’ll go to his democratic challenger Rob Zebram. This type of match guarantees the combatants will walk away beaten and bloody, but there can be only one winner. Who will it be? Tune in to find out.

3rd Party Presidential Candidate Over the Top Rope Battle Royal

Due to Federal Law, 3rd party combatants must appear on the card. Therefore, in general Election Night tradition,  the 3rd party combatants will battle it out in a battle royal for bragging rights, with the winner being the last combatant left in the ring after all other opponents have been thrown out over the top rope.  Combatants have until the night before the Event to register to compete.

The following combatants have already registered:  Gary Johnson (Libertarian Party);  Jill Stein (Green Party); Virgil Goode (Constitutional Party); Rocky Anderson (Justice Party); Rosanne Barr (Peace and Freedom Party); Peta Lindsey (Party for Socialism and Liberation); Andre Barnett (Reform Party USA);  Tom Hoefling (America’s Party); Tom Stevens (Objectivist Party); James Harris (Socialist Worker’s Party); Stewart Alexander (Socialist Party USA); and James Carville (Cocktail Party).

Mitt Romney vs. President Barack Obama in a no-disqualifications submissions match for the Presidency of the United States

At Election Night 2008, Barack Obama easily gained the Presidency when he and Biden stomped John McCain and Sarah Palin in a 2/3 falls tag-team match. Even though McCain was able to score a fall by slashing Biden with a machete while Palin distracted the ref, Obama’s victory was never in doubt.  Four years later, Obama is seen as an ineffective president who didn’t live up to his promises. However, Obama still believes that yes, they still can, and needs four more years to do it. However, to gain those four extra years, he faces his toughest opponent yet: former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, a man willing to do and say anything to get what he wants.

Time after time, Romney has physically attacked Obama and his allies, even gaining illegal access to the White House to slam Obama with a chair during a rare press briefing. Meanwhile, Obama has refrained from reciprocating against Romney, trying to seen like the better man even if it sometimes seems futile.

But on Election Night, Obama will fight back as faces Romney in a no-disqualifications submissions match for the Presidency of the United States.  There are no rope breaks, no time-limits, no shelter from the searing pain as limbs are wrenched from their sockets in pursuit of the nation’s top job. There is only one rule: make your opponent tap.  And with Romney stating he’s willing to paralyze Obama in order to become President, will Obama stick to his own principles of fair and equal combat or will he have to sink to Romney’s level to save his job?

On November 6th, watch as an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object in the ring as Barack Obama and Mitt Romney clash in an all-out war sure to go down in the history books. Pay-per-view is the only way to see it. Call or go online and order Election Night 2012 today!

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