Ylean Shotear nervously sat in her apartment in front of her console. She was about to read a review of her latest dance performance, “Ogres in Motion,” by Culture Watch, New Delta’s premiere arts publication.
The Deltan elf calmed herself down, opened her red eyes and began to read.
“I’ll be blunt, ‘Ogres in Motion’ is not dance,” began the review. “It is a mockery of dance. The work, created by renowned Deltan elf choreographer Ylean Shotear, was meant to portray ogres, both male and female, in a graceful manner. She failed. Ogres will never be graceful.”
“It’s not racism,” continued the review. “It’s simple physics. There’s no way those hulking behemoths can move gracefully around the stage. One only has to look at large hominid gymnastics for proof. That sport involves ogres and trolls moving through an obstacle course without smashing one glass object. Even troll females, who are half a foot shorter and 150 pounds lighter on average than their ogre counterparts, have trouble getting perfect scores. Ylean Shotear has never seen large hominid gymnastics, otherwise she’d know better.
“The performance began with a duet with a male, Gro the Triumphant, and a female, Luro the Round, set to a fast-paced elven vocal aria. The dancers panted and sweated as they thumped around the stage trying to keep up, and failing as they quickly became out of synch. At one point, Gro swung Luro into the air, spun her around and tried to gently put her down; except Luro didn’t so much land as smash onto the stage, jolting everyone in the audience.
“Next there was an ensemble piece with all eight ogre dancers, five females and three males, set to a gradually quickening drum score. From the very first note, the ogres continually bumped into each other as they attempted to move in sync. The end result was that halfway though a male tripped, sending all eight toppling in a chain reaction. The ogres quickly got up and continued as if nothing had happened, only to topple again at the very end.
“The final piece involved gnomes dancing between ogres’ legs set to clockwork trance. The gnomes were exquisite dancers, but I feared for their safety as at least two nearly got squished.
“As I said at the start, ‘Ogres in Motion’ is a mockery of dance, and that is why I loved it so much,” concluded the review. “Ogres is Motion is the greatest parody of serious dance I have ever witnessed. Any attempt at deeper meaning is twisted into sheer comedy. Everyone in the packed house, myself included, lapped it up and gave a roaring ovation at the very end. I therefore wholeheartedly recommend this production. Go see it; you’ll have a marvelous time.”
Ylean was ecstatic.
That was exactly the review she was hoping for.